So you’ve just found out your lover has been having an affair. Instead of going mental, why not try a little sweet revenge?
Don’t react, stew on it for a while and see what you come up with. From the spitefully simple to the wonderfully reckless, we explore tales of unexpected revenge. “I’m a prosthetic makeup artist so I would wait until my man was asleep. I’d glue on a very realistic prosthetic genital wart to his manhood. The next day, once he was in the bathroom (and I knew he had discovered the wart) I would knock on the door and purposely try to seduce him, teasing him to let me in, so that I could watch him squirm. I might even take it further and stick a wart onto myself, exploding at him as if he had given me an STD. He could never deny the accusations of cheating that way, plus it would make him feel extra guilty! And believe me I would milk that puppy dry.” “I took my boyfriend for a romantic picnic, or so he thought. I drove him to the countryside then instructed him to wait in my car whilst I set up the picnic and slip into something a little more comfortable. He watched me as I went and got the picnic basket out of the boot and carried it to the side of the lake. He then watched me pulled his Playstation out of it and lobbed it into the lake. I then chucked in his iPhone and TV remotes in for good measure. I then proceeded to drag him out of my car and leave him in the middle of nowhere. I drove all the way home a very happy lady.” “I suppose it comes down to what would hurt him to most. Revenge should be personal. My current partner is really into his fitness as he used to be quite overweight and always obsesses over making sure he never gets fat again. I would become his feeder! I would take my time, swapping all the low fat, low sugar etc ingredients we so carefully buy. I would ensure that I used the low fat packaging but replaced it with the stuff that is bad for you. The non-sugar sweeteners would be swapped for proper sugar and I would put extra salt in his teas, along with extra salt and sugar in all of his home cooked meals. His protein shakes would become flour shakes over night. One fine day I would pack up all of my things and simply leave him, leaving only a note saying ‘I left because you got fat.'” “My vengeance would take a bit of planning. I have been cheated on before and all I did was kick him out. He got off very lightly! This time I would be prepared! The moment I found out I would have my locksmith on speed dial. This would buy me time to really go all out on my revenge. I’d start with his shoes, and fill them with cat shit from the litter tray. I would then phone him up and ask him to come home. When he was trying to get back into the house with a key that no longer works I would open the window and chuck the shoes full of shit down at him, hopefully with good aim. Then I would go to town on everything else he owned. When else would a girl get such a good chance to be so creative?” “I would take great pleasure in squatting over his cup of tea and pissing, taking extra care in rubbing my bottom around the rim of the mug. I would continue to do this, adding extra vile ingredients secretly until I confronted the bastard and banished him from my life.” “For me it was all about humiliation. I phoned up each of my boyfriend’s male friends pretending to be very drunk and crying, confessing my misery over my boyfriend’s failure to perform in the bedroom. I made it as realistic as possible, sobbing over the “smallest, limpest penis” I had ever endured. I made a particular point of describing how terrible he was at foreplay. I then begged the friend not to tell my boyfriend I had called. During the weeks that followed I started acting extremely cold towards my boyfriend, not letting him touch me. I then finally confronted him, explaining that I just couldn’t fake it anymore. I believe my exact words were “I’m leaving you because you are just so awful in bed.” I then cried heartily and apologised, making myself seem full of guilt and pity for him, reassuring him that maybe there would be some other woman out there willing to fake it forever with him. Now he truly believes he is horrific in bed and so do all of his friends! His ego will never recover.”
Words and Photography by Loo Loo Rose
Originally published in ‘ROUGH UK Magazine’