Matthew was one of the most hilarious characters Cindy and Laurel had ever had the luxury to be friends with. They met at Churchill car park, drunk at fifteen years old (the sign of a fantastic friendship!) He was an extremely tall, broad, camp-as-hell posh kid who spoke like a rude boy and was constantly flicking back a greasy side-fringe from his eyes. The girls loved him for his sense of humour (and because he was the only one who could roll).
One night, Matthew ‘s friend was having a birthday party whilst her parents were away. Parties in that friendship group only ever consisted of gay teenage boys and fag-hags, so they sat on the bus drinking cheap wine, complaining about how they expected it to be a rubbish party. Already drunk as they arrived, they bounded onto the dance floor.
All of a sudden the party guests heard an almighty crash and looked towards the noise. Matthew was up to his knee through the wooden floor and was screaming in pain in the campest manner about his ankle. The entire party fell about with laughter and continued to do so up until he was resting on the sofa with an icepack.
Taking a rest from dancing, Laurel, a now extremely drunk Matthew and Cindy decided to stir things up. Casually browsing upstairs in the homeowner’s little sister’s bedroom, the three youths discovered the world’s biggest stuffed teddy (almost as big as Matthew himself) and they just knew what had to be done. Seconds later, the bear was being run a hot bath with shampoo all over itself, its washers, and the floor, whilst being shaved with the poor girl’s mum’s razor. Deciding it would be fun to leave the bath and bubbles flowing with a drowning bear, they ran back downstairs, giggling hysterically. Some time passed spent in the smoking area and a loud scream was heard from inside. Giving each other a knowing look, they all ran eagerly inside. The drunk and distraught hostess was standing over the bath with soaking wet heels and bubbles and bits of fur all over her. To their surprise there were now another three stuffed Dalmatians in the bath, along with the giant, now patchy teddy bear. The poor girl looked like she was about to cry and Cindy looked as though she was about to shriek with laughter, so naturally she cried out,
“It smells like wet dog in here!” and released the cackles. Spending about five insincere minutes convincing the traumatised hostess that the teddies would dry out and whoever did it was a right twit, they continued their mission to cause disruption. Someone super cool had invited a random guest- a bright green blown up alien which somehow became one of the crew. After many a drink, smoke and grind on the dance floor, Matthew, Laurel and Cindy found that they had worked up an appetite. The hostess had made the mistake of providing her guests with party food and a chocolate birthday cake (bit presumptuous) which was laid out rather foolishly on her kitchen table. Instead of pulling up a seat in a civilised manner and sharing the food, the hungry three helped themselves to the whole lot, Cindy grabbing the huge bowl of crisps, Laurel the other, and Matthew hiding the cake under his coat. They knew they had to be alone whilst indulging on their finds, and stumbled quickly out the front door. A trail of crisps and cake crumbs led onto a green down the road, where the teenagers scoffed on the grass in an intoxicated heaven. After Matthew had decided he was done with the cake, he threw it at a parked car door, to which it stuck. He urged the girls to come back inside (probably to dance of all those calories) but they weren’t finished eating. Quick as a shot he snatched the crisp bowl from Cindy’s hand and threw it down the road. The china smashed loudly but he didn’t stop there, and sent the other one flying. As they heard dogs bark and saw lights go on, they legged it back into the house, laughing once again.
“Someone’s smashing plates outside!” Matthew yelled at the bewildered hostess, as they all fell onto the dance floor. It was getting late and even the plastic alien was starting to look fit. The sopping wet teddy bear was now on the roof, the hostess was drowning her sorrows (much like the Dalmatians), and the hole in the floor had somehow gotten bigger. However, one last prank had to be done. The three raided the fridge, grabbed the eggs and left without saying goodbye to the host, for fear of being knifed. Only waiting until they reached two houses down from the party, they launched the eggs upwards and missed any relevant aim, (which seemed far more hilarious) exhausted from their outrageous events.
Words and Photography by Loo Loo Rose
Originally published in ‘ROUGH UK Magazine’